Your The One In Denial

one and one half years later....
It's been 1 1/2 years since I've written in this here LJ....I'm 18 now.. and now attend Johnson and Wales University.... I wrote in here to deal with the grief of the hardest teenage years of my life, and looking back, as an adult now, I was angry, sad, bitter, cold almost....

My mother died 3 years 8 months ago... It used to eat me up inside that i couldn't see her, hug her, help her out, go to work with, have in depth conversations, anymore... I never did get the chance to tell her her only daughter's a lesbian....

Though once in a while, I get strickened with parlyzing pain of the once tremendous hole left in my heart from my mother, I've managed to patch it up and move on with my life...

My father.. heh.. I haven't talked to or seen him in more than a year.. I moved out in the beginning of November, 2005... for the fact that he couldn't stand me, and I couldn't stand him... Plus, I wanted to be with my fiancee at the time...

Fiancee? Yes, fiancee... I was engaged to this 24 year old who totally took me by surprise... I gave her my # at a 4th of July party, not expecting to have any chance with her, let alone a phone call... So when moved out of my father's hell, I moved in with Amy, my fiancee, whom I was with for a month... All was fine and dandy until about this time last year... "I just don't love you anymore," Amy said to me..."I know," I said "I don't feel the same about us either"..."Well you got to move out," Amy said with a force to her voice.. "Fine, cunt" I said to her... and slept on the floor that night...

I remember the next day when I took the bus from school to my grandma's house crying.. i didn't know what to do... where was I going to live if it wasn't with my ex-fiancee? i know I couldn't live with her and my uncle in their cramped two bedroom apartment... My aunt has a two year old in a two bedroom house... not gonna happen... my other aunt worked 100 hours a week in another town.. not changing school in my senior year, fuck that... so I called the only person I know that could help me... Kim...

Kim is my mother's cousin, so my second cousin... i call her my cousin.. but anyways, I met her at My aunt's baby shower.. She commented how she grew up very close to my mother and that how we should get to know each other more... and that she only saw me once when i was very little.. I remembed her saying if I needed anything at all to call her... My grandma called her up and told her what happended between me and Amy, while I sat there crying... she said I could move in the next day...

The first week there was hell.. Amy called me crying saying that someone keyed her precious 2002 Chevy Monte Carlo...then said I did it... Yeah I did it.. she was a half hour away at the time it happened, and my no car ass teleported there just to key her car....She called the cops on me, and I was so pissed off...So I took her $200 that I had and I knew that she wanted and cut it up into little pieces and threw it in the trash...I told Kim "If she wants her fucking jacket now, she can dig thrrough the dump, find all the fucking pieces, sew it back up and wash it 40 times" After that, I had no severe problems with Amy, or anyone for that matter...

I lived there ever since, well, until I came to college.. heh...

Now It's the 3rd trimester here at Johnson and Wales University, and I'm managing a 2.8 Gpa.. not too bad...

Though emotionally scarred, and physically exausted, I'm mentally strong and it takes a hell of alot more to break me than before... I was strong before, but I'm even stronger, and I will continue to get stronger, and help people out... people say that i'm well beyond my years, I say that I just understand...

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Take on me A-HA

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